Lucky There's A Family Spy!
by prairiechicken
Summary: Family Guy-Totally Spies crossover - Peter is forced to tag along with Sam, Alex and Clover on their next mission, one where Peter will have no trouble motivating himself for! Attention, fanboys! Meg's Diary is closing out the story!
1. Chapter 1

Scene: Laboratory in Round Rock, Texas: 12:07 AM

An old, dark creepy voice can be heard assuring yet warning its victims at the same time.

"_Don't worry, I'm just a scientist! I have plenty of degrees in CHEMISTRY! You shall soon find out, Miss January thru December 2008! They said I couldn't find myself any real girls, well; I've got the most beautiful girls in the world in my dungeon of doom as I speak! And when I develop my crossbreeding DNA, it will just be a matter of time before my childhood dreams become reality! Mwahahahaha!"_

The twisted senior citizen, who may have been an estranged son of Albert Einstein as a result of one of his "failed experiments", reached into the refrigerator for an aged block of cheddar, so as to get his tiny protégés jacked up for their valuable donations. No, he had no intentions of giving to the Red Cross, in case you were wondering.

**LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY SPY!**

Scene: Beverly Hills High School Principal's Office: 2:30 PM

Lois Griffin: Chris! I never thought I'd see the day my own son would be caught reading Playboy in the school library! A woman is not an object!

Peter Griffin: Your mother is right! A woman is to be admired once a month before she makes way for the new flavour of eye candy!

Lois: Peter! You wonder why Chris can't get anyone to go the dance!

Peter: Ummmm…. is it because it's not 1985 anymore and fat stopped being the new thin?

The conversation between husband and wife fogged up the principal's door window for 15 more minutes. Sam, Alex and Clover, three of Bev High's most popular students, happened to hear the above-mentioned portion of the discussion.

Clover: How rude! If my parents were like that, I'd, like, sell myself out to the orphanage!

Her two friends reminded her that none of their parents are ever around, so what's there to complain about?

The Griffin parents were set to leave when Lois had to stop by the little girls' room. "Don't get yourself in trouble while I'm gone, Peter, just like that last time!" Her husband was about to fire back but then memories involving Marvin the Martian and saving the planet from an "Earth-shattering-KABOOM!" were better left suppressed.

Five minutes later, which was unusually long for a lady who doesn't go to the bathroom without an accomplice, patience was wearing rather thin (not many things can do that) for Peter. Looking for something to do, a little rotation of the eyes geared his attention towards three teenagers who could be of good use.

Peter: Hey ladies, pardon me for budging in, but you appear to be the types who can get any man you want without paying, so I need some advice.

Sam: I've got something to say, ever heard of Mennen Speed Stick?

Alex: And a change of underwear?

Peter: (reaching into wallet for pics) Now, now, no need to get too huffy. See this picture; that is my smoking hot wife. Somehow, evolution seemed to have taken a piss break or God must have been high as you can see by this picture of my daughter. Perhaps you can do me a favour and grant me some fatherly advice about getting her some dates?

That advice came in the form of three roundhouse kicks, all of which resulted in the girls' feet stuck in fleshy quicksand. An evil triumphant laugh from Peter was the cue for a gust of wind all too familiar to the undercover spies. This time, they would have to tow 300 pounds of excess baggage on their latest trip down the chute and into their bosses' office.

Three screams and one "WHEEEE!!!" were what Jerry could hear, followed by the spies' entrance couch smashing into pieces and Peter's XXL frame substituting for a nice soft landing.

"Wow! You girls have a secret hideout? Cool! I want to play too! What does this old man do? Does he give you time outs for bad behaviour?"

Three sheepish grins and raindrops of embarrassment appeared on the girls' faces as they had to tell their boss about how it was a complete fluke that they allowed a man the size of a walrus slip into their secret headquarters. Jerry had seen this happen once too many times, so rather than do usual company procedure and erase Peter's memory (and cause unimaginable side effects), he decided to allow the fat man to lend a hand in the company's next mission. That also meant Peter would have to take shelter in the spies' penthouse until everything blew over.

"Well, it is for the good of this company, but in order to protect our secret identity, we have no choice but to let this man assist us in solving our next case", said Jerry while the spies were trying to dream up a way to murder someone and not get caught.

"There have been reports about Playboy centrefold models disappearing over the past few weeks. According to evidence found at the crime scenes, it appears that the perpetrator catches his unsuspecting victims with a Tootsie pop (a popular tool for seduction) and a mousetrap. He says the trap always gives him enough time to use his knockout gas while his target is fixing her broken nail."

Peter interrupted Jerry's bit of news with a little commentary, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I have some close friends who catch hot chicks with well thought-out schemes like these. Are you telling me you have a search warrant out for their arrest too?"

"No, this person, who goes by the name Dr. Strangelust, is a unique character far too demented for the cops to take care of by their lonesome. He has forgotten more about science than most will ever know, yet whatever knowledge he has retained, he uses for his own twisted purposes. He has threatened to develop a formula to make human and animal DNA compatible, putting an end to civilization as we know it."

A light bulb actually lit up in Peter's head for once. "You mean he's using Laura Croft and Valerie Mason for his own twisted idea of sex? My goodness! That changes everything! Girls, as protector of all that is good in this world, I too shall join you in your mission for truth, justice and the American way! (raises fist in triumph)"

(awkward silence, wandering eyes watch pieces of paper float by)

"Ahem, I shall now arm you with your gadgets for this mission:

The Wind Tunnel 9000 Laser Tornado Blast Hairdryer that can blow things at extreme levels…Peter interrupts, "This looks like fun!" (flick of the switch – Peter is left wearing his birthday suit)

The Tortoiseshell Magnifying Shades that magnify the user what they want to see…Peter? Peter is staring at three pairs of breasts, 2x, 5x, 10x…POW!

Laser Lipstick…Peter (speaking sassy and lispy) "Hey girls, don't wait up, I just need to pretty myself up for our get-together tonight….OWOWOWOW!!!!!"

The three spies all groaned at their newest partner's bumblings and stumblings and asked themselves how this guy could possibly be married.

(back at the school)

Lois: "Peter? Well, what a shock! When you want him for something other than sex, he's nowhere to be seen!"


	2. Chapter 2

Scene: Spies' Penthouse: 6:30 PM

Alex: "Now that we are stuck with you for the time being, we may as well allow you to have the sofa for sleeping."

Peter: "Sweet! I get to be away from the family and I get the TV to myself at night! Could life get any better?

Sam: "Speaking of which, does your family know about your recent whereabouts and why you aren't going to be providing for them for the time being?"

Peter: "No sweat, I left a message on the answering machine! I'm sure my family will handle the news with dignity, I've got nothing to worry about!"

**Cutaway**

Chris (listening to message): "Mom, Dad is not going to be home for a few weeks! He has to stay in a penthouse with three hot teenage chicks until this case blows over!"

(Cut to shot of Griffin house, roof blows off and flips over, tornado with arms and legs sticking out explodes through door and causes destruction all over town)

Lois: "BLARGH, BLARGH, BLARGH!!!! MUST KILL PETER! WHERE IS PETER?"

Cue Bugs Bunny to present Tasmanian Lois with a "Peter" doll made up of a bomb and firecrackers dressed in Griffin clothing. The inevitable explosion occurs and nothing of Lois (until when needed next) is left except a pair of eyes surrounded by ashes.

**End Cutaway**

Clover: "OK, now let's lay down some ground rules for you, Mr. Griffin! We teenage girls have a social life that mostly consists of boys and shopping when we're not studying and saving the world!"

Sam: "That is especially true in your case, Clover!"

Clover: "Sammy, he's the one we're trying to set straight here!"

Alex: "Anyway, the point we are trying to make is, please don't wreck our good names and keep separate our business and personal lives!"

Peter: "Well, you girls provided me with shelter, the least I can do is treat you with the utmost respect!"

Scene: Beverly Hills Mall: 11:30 AM

(Three shrieks heard from a distance)

"Hey girls! What a surprise! I was pumping some iron at the gym today and now I feel slim and trim at a good-looking 287 lbs! Want to meet at the food court? I want to get my wife a get-well card and I'm looking for some recommendations!"

Peter put his supposedly fine-tuned chest on display (partially covered in a t-shirt saying, "I Worked Hard For This Body") for everyone to see at the mall. Three guys in the mall suddenly realized they were late for their dental appointments and had to cut their dates short.

Clover: "Are you trying to ruin my social life? It was bad enough that you teased me with a celebrity hottie!"

**Cutaway**

Clover opens up an envelope on her dresser claiming that it's from a secret admirer.

"My championship resume and my R-rated personality will be here to pick you up at 7:30!"

Outside, Peter is paying off the "blind date" for the payoff to his upcoming practical joke.

"So the bonus depends on how many hours she stays locked in her room?"

"Meh, what's $20/hr. when I'm going to upload this reaction video on YouTube?"

The door opens and Peter's accomplice is greeted by a blonde teenager dressed up like a Bratz doll; "Edge, I want to get to know you…WHO'S THIS?"

The sight of Naked Mideon standing behing your door would be enough to send any girl into a traumatic state.

**End Cutaway**

"And thanks for costing me $1,000 in bonus money! That made it almost not worth the thought I put into this!"

"What about all the thought you put into this?"

**Cutaway**

(Deal or No Deal set)

Howie Mandel: "Peter, you have got the banker hanging on the edge of the cliff! We are seeing history in the making! But the banker has got a unique offer for you!"

Peter: "Tell him he's wasting his breath because Peter Griffin goes for the gold…hello, what have we here?"

(Scene of Sam, Alex and Clover sharing a shower)

Howie: "That's not all, the offer also comes with an instalment, courtesy of The World Organization of Human Protection, that allows these three unsuspecting babes to be teleported from the showers to the studios if you accept this one-time offer! We'll also throw in $50,000."

Peter: "So let me get this straight, I can go for the million, or I get the chicks for free…wait a minute. Does this offer come with a swimming pool with appropriate filling and a request for some of that girl-on-girl action that average Joes like me find amusing?"

Howie: "I'll have to call the banker on that one…yes, that's fine with him. But this offer is one time only because the girls are about to turn off the taps any second now!"

Peter: "AAAHHH! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity Howie! I can't let this go to waste! From this point forward, my life will never be the same again!"

NO DEAL!!!!

**End Cutaway**

Alex: "And you had to select case #13 and you took home $500!"

Sam: "Which you spent on blizzard insurance for Southern California!"

Peter: "Well, if you think I'm being hard on your social life, check this out. A friend of mine knows all about house redecoration. I've arranged for him to spruce up your place so it will look like a true penthouse!"

Quagmire: "Giggity, giggity! What do you think? My refurbishing will attract people of all types to your penthouse! Check out all the new luxuries!"

With more built-in hide-a-beds than Easter Eggs in a DVD, it was safe to assume that someone had his own "hidden" agenda.

Scene: Spies' "Penthouse": 2:30 AM

The three girls returned home from working overtime at the malt shop. Tomorrow was not going to be the best day to get important things done, particularly cleaning up the penthouse, as there had never been a bigger mess since Post WWII Japan. Upstairs, some giggities and high-pitched squeals created a disturbing mystery the spies were none too anxious too solve.

(opening of Clover's door)

Quagmire: "Whoa! Hi! Uh...is it morning already because I've got some sunshine coming in!"

Mandy: "Sunshine? What are you talking about? You promised an all-night sexcapade...EEEEKKKK!!! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!"

Clover: "You're telling US to get out?!?!? What are you doing in my bed? I feel so violated!"

Sam: "Hey Mandy, I never knew you were into older men, check out this ID!"

Alex: "Yeah, this guy is old enough to be your grandfather!"

One glance at Quagmire's ID revealed indeed, that looks can be deceiving. Teenaged Mandy had just whored herself out to a 61-year-old man.

Mandy: "EWWWWW!!!! Get away from me! My life is so ruined!"

Mandy took off faster than the space shuttle while her female counterparts wondered how life could get any worse.


	3. Chapter 3

Scene: Beverly Hills Park: 1:00 PM

For a couple of days, things appeared to be back to normal, until the girls caught up with Jerry once again. They crossed paths with their boss, who was wearing a pair of dark glasses and also had a highly unusual pet hopping on a leash without him realizing it.

Sam: "Jerry, do you realize what you have at the end of your leash?"

Jerry: "Oh, Sam! Are Alex and Clover with you by chance? My eyesight is currently at a 15-15 level after seeing that Peter fellow in nothing but the flesh. My life has gone topsy-turvy for me ever since."

**Cutaway**

Jerry (on the telephone): "Hello, Discovery Channel? Don't you people change your television programming every once in a while?…What, you do? Don't play mind games with me! I've been watching the same television show for the past six hours! I'm beginning to get seasick!"

(cutaway to Jerry looking at his fishtank)

**End Cutaway**

**Cutaway 2**

Jerry: (at a department store – sign reading "Clearance Sale Now!") "Hmmmm…Cleopatra Now Playing! Oh my! I've got to see this!"

(Jerry standing behind a rack of fur coats) "This line hasn't moved in over an hour! That will teach me to be late for an opening weekend!"

**End Cutaway 2**

Alex: "Yes, Jerry! Of course we're with Sammy! And who's that cute little fellow hopping around with you?"

Jerry: "Oh, this is a Mexican hairless I spotted wandering aimlessly across the road! He's so cute and I couldn't leave him all by himself to be eaten by hungry bears! I call him Chico!"

Chico happened to have buckteeth, a fluffy cottontail and unusually long ears for a tiny Chihuahua.

Jerry: "Oh, look at him hop for joy! I think he wants you to pet him!"

Clover reached down to stroke Chico's head but the rabbit's attention veered towards the bouquet of roses sitting on her lap.

MUNCH, MUNCH, MUNCH!

Clover: "EEEEEK! MY ROSES! My boyfriend just got me those for our 1-week anniversary! Jerry, get your disease-ridden animal out of my lap before…"

**KA-BOOM!!! **

Jerry: "That explosion sounds vaguely familiar to me…OH MY WORD! Girls, I think one of our gadgets has gone awry!"

Peter and Quagmire were doing more refurbishing to the penthouse when they discovered a boombox in the closet. The thought of music always put the two of them into wild fantasies about their high school glory days. Sure enough, a case of beer was the segue needed to go from hard workers to hard partiers. Setting themselves up for a pathetic karaoke version of "Smoke On The Water", little did they know that they were going to set off a fire in the sky with the Sonic Disintegrator Boombox!

_A sonic disintegrator disguised as a boombox. The sounds it produces can cause pain if heard, push people away, and break solid objects such as glass._

The SDB would produce many long-term side effects.

**At the Griffin Household**

Meg, in her underwear, standing on the bathroom scale: "I've lost five pounds! I won't be embarrassed to wear a bikini now!" (scale malfunctions, glass shatters) "NOOOO!! I hate my whole life!" (runs crying into bedroom)

Brian with his laptop: "Yes! Six months of hard work and I've finally completed my novel! Now I won't have to put up with everyone bugging me about how why my novel is taking forever!" (computer screen cracks) "Why me? Why does it always have to be me?"

Stewie standing beside time machine: "My master plan is almost coming to fruition! I'm set to travel back in time to 1936 Nazi Germany and once I overthrow Hitler, there will be nothing to stop me taking over and rewriting history to become undisputed ruler of the world! Take that treacherous woman! Ha, ha, ha, ha!" (steps inside machine, boombox waves cause timeline to malfunction 10 years ahead)

Stewie, arriving in 1946 West Germany: "Well, Hitler's Third Reich certainly isn't all that it was cracked up to be. No flags, parades, where's all the happy, happy, joy, joy that was written in the history books? Oh! Excuse me, sir? Could you bring me to your leader?"

The poor, downtrodden stranger replied, "We have no idea who's been running this country for the longest time!"

"What are you talking about, where's the guy with the big bushy moustache?"

"If you mean Hitler, the son of a bitch has been dead for over a year!"

"You mean, this country is mine for the taking? Sweet! I can't wait to get started!"

Two hours later, Stewie takes over the radio airwaves vowing to pick up where Hitler left off and carry on his legacy, under the assumption he was in 1936.

30 minutes later, Stewie is chained up in prison; finally realizing it's 1946. "Damn you to hell, woman! I know you're behind this in some twisted fashion!"

---------

Jerry: "Anyway, I'm glad you girls are here now, as I've received word that Dr. Strangelust has struck once again! Reports of another former Playboy model, Christy Hemme, have her mysteriously disappearing from Nashville prior to a big show last evening. Her current employer has told authority figures to lay off this case, however, as apparently, one of the people in charge has stated that once this breaking news story boosts their television ratings to a 1.5, a certain Vince McMahon is going to be shaking in his boots."

Sam: "Not if we can help it! Even if we have to lug that 300-pound waste of human flesh to get this case solved, so be it!"

Clover: "Say, Jerry, where exactly is this Doctor's whereabouts?"

Jerry: "You might be able to get some clues at his latest victim's headquarters. You might want to tell your new…friend…to be on his best behaviour."

Scene: Orlando, FLA

Peter (bouncing all over the plane): "YAAAYYY! DISNEY WORLD! DISNEY WORLD! DISNEY WORLD! DISNEY WORLD! DISNEY WORLD! DISNEY WORLD! How much further is it? I want to see Mickey! And Donald! And Samoa Joe! And Beer Money! Damn! You girls keep any beer in that cooler?"

Clover: "Will you KNOCK IT OFF! Don't make me turn this plane around, wait a minute, is there something we can do?"

A little spray of the Ice Queen Perfume froze Peter in an awkward position for the rest of the flight from the west to the east coast. At this point, the spies were beginning to wonder if their eventual encounter with their unknown enemy was going to be any worse than the human Popsicle burdening down their efforts.


	4. Chapter 4

Scene: Backstage at TNA Headquarters

The three spies made their way backstage posing as wannabe female grapplers in order to search the premises for possible clues. A seven-foot mountain of a man who wasn't the type to give total strangers a free pass would interrupt their mission.

Kevin Nash: "Excuse me ladies, unless you three are applying as our latest Knockouts, this building is for employees only."

Alex: "Well, sir, I have no idea what you mean by 'Knockouts', but we are on a top secret mission involving one of your missing employees."

Nash: "Are you saying that you are part of some secret agent club? Look, I appreciate the gesture but you ladies are going to have to prove your credentials before your mission goes any further."

Sam: "OK, look, normally we don't pull this off in front of other people, but we'll have to make an exception for you. You just have to promise that this is between us and you."

On cue, the three spies produced their X-Powders and converted into their respective spy suits. 'Big Sexy' could feel his jaw drop seven feet to the floor at the sight of that instant transformation.

Clover: "Now, you said you were going to pinky swear that you were going to keep this thing a secret, promise?"

Nash: "Ummmm…yes! I pinky swear! Wow! You must have lots of other wacky stuff you keep with you! What did you say you were here for?"

Alex: "We received a report that one of your wrestlers has gone missing and we're searching for possible clues. Perhaps you might know something?"

Nash: "Lucky thing I happened to pick up some tidbits last night. This is a business card for the Round Rock Animal Shelter. I've also got a drawn-out map detailing a road trip back to a Dr. Strangelust's science lab. And the last thing here is a package that's labelled 'Highly Unstable'."

Sam: "Yikes! We're going to have to guard this thing with our lives! Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Nash! If there's anything we can do to repay…"

At this point, a dopey Peter walked in at exactly the wrong moment.

Peter: "Oooohhh, my head! Does someone have a Tylenol or a few beers to make the pain go away? Hey! Big Sexy! I'm like your biggest fan of all time! Can I have an autograph? Can you do your '2 Sweet!' catchphrase? Is it true that you want to bring The Band back together again?"

Nash: "Is he another one of yours?"

Clover: "No, we're his babysitters. It's a very long story."

Nash: "Hey, big guy! Tell you what; you can have my signature if you can do me a small favour. I've always wanted to do this. You ladies mind climbing onto my shoulders?"

The girls were happy to oblige and Peter fulfilled Kevin's request of taking a photograph with the three spies propped up on his shoulders, in a tribute to Andre the Giant from years back.

Peter: "That was so cool! Now can you do one with me?"

Peter jumped onto Big Sexy's shoulders but a 300-pound wildebeest was too much to handle even for a muscular seven-footer.

Nash: "Nice going you fat idiot! Now I'm probably paralyzed!"

Peter: "Oh my god, Big Sexy, I'm so, so sorry!"

After approximately 10,000 apologies for their companion's childish behaviour, the girls fork lifted Peter back into the plane and headed off into the next phase in their mission.

Scene: Round Rock, TX

The package labelled 'Highly Unstable' was a cause of concern for the girls, as they would normally send a sample to Jerry for analysis via their X-Powders. The unknown contents of the package, though, made their decision a rather more debatable one, that is, until Peter had another whim of curiosity.

Clover: "EEEEEKKK! Girls, there's a gigantic rat in our plane! Somebody get rid of it before it spreads so many icky diseases all over the place!"

Peter: "Hey, relax! It's just me! I just looked at that package and all it had was a few syringes and some liquids. It wasn't like something was about to explode, and all that flying around was starting to make me feel nauseous."

Alex: "Did you take a look at yourself in the mirror?"

One look in the mirror revealed that Peter had indeed sprouted a large tail, buckteeth and bigger ears and developed a craving for cheese. On the bright side, his upset stomach was no more.

Peter: "AAAAHH! Oh hey! Look at me! (Speaking sassy) Now I'm a furry! I can eat and sleep in my costume all day because it's who I am! I can cry 'fursecution' when people tell me to 'yiff in hell' because I'm different! Ow! You just plucked a strand of hair off! What's the deal?"

Sam scanned the sample of Peter's newly developed rat hair on her X-Powder for long-distance analysis from the WOOHP headquarters. The results determined that Peter's transformation came as a successful result of Dr. Strangelust's crossbreeding formula intended for the most attractive women in the world.

Sam: "Peter, you may have opened up an important part in this case! Now we know what Dr. Strangelust's methods are and why he wants to carry them out!"

Clover: "I'll bet this guy was probably one of those science geeks who couldn't get any girls to go to the dance, then one day, he looked at his lab rat and something in his head went all screwy, and…EEEEWWW! I don't want to go any further!"

Alex: "Now all we have to do is find the Animal Shelter and this doctor will finally get what's coming to him…AAAHHHH!

The unwelcome gust of wind caught Peter and the girls at the most inopportune time. However, the destination at the end of tunnel would not land our hero and heroines in WOOHP headquarters, but rather at the dark, dingy basement at the Round Rock animal shelter.

Sam: "Jerry? What's going on? Why are we strapped to these gurneys? And who is this ghastly looking thing standing beside you?"

Jerry: (Still at 15-15 vision) "Oh Sammy! Why, say hello to Dr. Jackylinhide! He's working for this animal rights organization and he's promising to make Chico the official spokespuppy for the Proper Treatment of Animals! Look at my little doggy bounce up and down in excitement! All I needed to do was set up a WOOHP branch down at his basement and we would be all set!

Peter: "That is awesome! You are such a great businessman, I am like so jealous! I'm going to take you out for a few beers!"

Jerry: "Well, I'm not the type to drink myself into a stupor, but if you insist, I'm all game! Oh my, I hope that's a fake fur you've got on."

(Both guys walk off in joyous laughter)

Doctor Strangelust: "Now that those two clowns are out of the way, you three are about to become my most beautiful fruits of my labour! Teenage brats like you back in my youth had not appreciated my science; I had to turn to these cute little mice for my pleasures of the flesh. Methods that you would never comprehend. It took me a near lifetime to develop the fantasy formula where it will just be a matter of minutes until I combine the genetics of a beautiful woman and my cute little specimens!"

Clover: "Well, maybe if you invested in a hairbrush and oral hygienic products for one thing, maybe some girl would have given you the time of day!"

Doctor: "Nonsense! All you girls instantly go for the captain of the football team or the guy with all the money! Any effort I would have made would be all for naught! I'm tired of asking for any girl I want, I'm just going to take what's rightfully mine!"

Dr. Strangelust filled up a syringe with some 'fantasy formula' and pondered his decision on who his first victim should be.


	5. Chapter 5

Dr. Strangelust filled up a syringe with some 'fantasy formula' and pondered his decision on who his first victim should be.

Doctor: "I think I'll decide by playing a little game of 'Three Blind Mice'. Whomever one of you is the first one to blink when I strike my most sexiest pose will be…"

**RING, RING, RING!**

Doctor: "Dammit! Who could be calling me at this most inopportune time?"

Dr. Strangelust stepped out of the room to answer his phone.

Doctor: "If you're one of those telemarketers, I've told you a thousand times I'm on your 'Do-Not-Call' list…"

Peter: "Hey Doc, we appear to have a little…no, big problem here with Jerry. You see, I introduced him to his first shooter, and he went from his first to his tenth in 6.8 seconds, if you get my drift. Tonight also happens to be 80's Karaoke Night and he got the urge to dance on the ceiling when someone started butchering Lionel Richie. So, I think we're in a bit of a pickle here."

Doctor: "What are you talking about? You can't be the designated driver?"

Peter: "Well, you see, my license has been revoked indefinitely after the time I took up a quarter-hour segment on Spike TV's Disorderly Conduct. Lucky thing I took advantage of my 'special' person diagnosis and got off on probation, huh?"

Doctor: "Surely you've got enough money for a cab?"

Peter: "See, that's the other thing. You do realize that I'm now a gigantic rat? Well, my type is rejected by this conservative red state for being different. So I had to empty my entire wallet and max out my credit cards to keep the bar patrons from exterminating me. So, me and Jerry are going to need you to give us a ride back to your animal shelter, please."

Doctor: "Blast it! Well, it's not like you girls are going anywhere, so I'll have to put my fantasy on hold. Just sit tight and enjoy your last few human moments!"

(Dr. Strangelust slams down the phone and exits the room)

Alex: "Boy, that was close, too close! You would think that our lives were scripted or something?"

Sam: "Well there's not much time before he comes back, we have to act fast. Do we have something handy?"

Clover: "Aha! (reaching into back pocket) So that's where I placed that laser nail file! I'll have all of us out of here in a jiff!"

The spies would be freed from the gurneys in just a matter of minutes before Dr. Strangelust returned to the lab with Peter and a drunken Jerry. The boss was set down to sober up in a spare room while the other two were set to resume the doctor's mission downstairs. The spies would pull off an illusion trick with an X-Powder by creating holograms of the three of them still strapped down and captivated for the doctor's twisted purposes.

This time, with nobody around to disrupt him, Dr. Strangelust would choose Clover as his first victim, except things didn't turn out the way he expected.

Doctor: "What's this? Nothing's happening! The needle is going right through!"

Peter: "Oh my God, Doctor, you killed them! You strapped them in too tight and cut off their circulation! Now there's nothing but their ghosts left!"

Doctor: "No, no! That was not my intent! I meant no harm!"

Peter: "I hate you!" (runs upstairs bawling)

Peter's dash out of the pet shop would be interrupted by a piece of Swiss cheese; his search for the source would unearth three people he would least expect.

Peter: "AAAHHH! Zombies! Please don't eat my brains! They have no nutritional value! I never made it past the third grade!"

Sam: "Peter, relax, we're not dead! We created some illusions of us down in the basement."

Alex: "Our X-Powders can do lots of cool stuff, haven't you noticed?"

Peter: "Yes, you girls are starting to creep me out with all your gadgets; well, this isn't the first time I've been through a traumatizing experience."

**Cutaway**

Peter and Cleveland are hogtied by an overzealous member of the Parents' Television Council who's giving them a lecture on the show's lack of morality.

PTC guy: "Don't you two realize your show has a devastating effect on the psyches on the children of our great country? Our soldiers are not fighting for our freedom in the Middle East just so you can spew your trash every Sunday night!"

Peter: "Oh come on! You are criticizing our sex and violence while those soldiers who you unconditionally worship and commit much worse of those same acts get a free pass?"

PTC guy: "You son of a BITCH! Just for that remark I'm subjecting you and your friend to torture much worse than the most uncooperative of prisoners! Now you'll know how the rest of the country feels!"

(PTC guy inserts videotape containing nothing but a looped scene of Chris lifting up Meg's shirt revealing an unflattering figure and Brian throwing up on command)

PTC guy: "By the way, this is recorded on EP format! Enjoy your next six hours!"

(six hours later)

Peter walks out of the torture chamber spooked and wide-eyed while Cleveland has a big grin and a noticeable bulge in his trousers.

Peter: "Oh! What are you so happy about? I've gone through enough trauma to last a lifetime and you look like a kid in a candy store!"

Cleveland: "Look Peter, don't take this personally, please realize I'm still getting over my divorce and I'm still a lonely man, but after getting accustomed to seeing your daughter without her shirt on for six hours straight, I've come to the conclusion that Meg is now my favourite of your three children."

One hour later, Peter removed the black hood from Cleveland's head and his former best friend was shocked to be on top of Mount Quahog while chained to a shopping cart. One final push would seal his fate.

Cleveland: "What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, NOOOO…!"

**End Cleveland **

Peter: "Well you girls have just given me an idea! This should be the perfect solution to stopping this doctor once and for all if you'll just let me borrow one of your little do-hickeys you've got there."

Peter swipes Alex's X-Powder and mistakenly faces the gadget towards the girls, transforming their spysuits into bubble-wrap bikinis.

Peter: "Oops. Tee, hee."

Peter faces the X-Powder the other way and transforms into the vermin version of Miss America.

Peter: "I tried something like this before but like that old saying goes, 'second time is a charm'. Whoa! There's something about your swimwear that's quite tempting…"

Clover: "One pop of my bikini and I'm going to snap and crackle every bone in your body, you hear me?"

Peter got the message and went off his mission to set the trap.


	6. Chapter 6

The demented doctor was convinced that something went awry in his fantasy formula and was already underway into making modifications when he would get an unexpected greeting from a by-product of his evil experiments.

Peter (speaking most feminine): "Oh, Doctor! Just what are you doing wasting all your efforts on those immature teenage brats when you could be spending the rest of your life with a beautiful and voluptuous woman like me, Penelope?"

Standing before Dr. Strangelust was indeed, "Penelope", with blonde hair and blue eyes, fluttering her eyelashes while wearing a long red dress with enough material to overwork a whole army of child labour in Asia.

Doctor: "You! I don't recall you being one of my creations! I'm supposed to be the originator of crossbreeding! Did you get a hold of my formula behind my back or is there something else you are trying to hide from me?"

"Penelope": "What's there for me to hide? I'm just here to bring you out of this miserable lab of yours and show you a good time! And what better way than to do it with some song and dance? Now if I can find something on the radio dial…country…country…country…country…country…country…well don't you Texans have any other taste in music…oh, here we are…this will do."

Meanwhile, the three spies had just finished sobering up Jerry with the Straight-Edge Smelling Salts (that restored his vision as a positive side-effect).

Sam: "Oh, wow! My favourite song from the prom is playing! Let me see where the source is coming from!"

(30 seconds later – Sam comes back in tears)

Sam: "I'm going to bury him in a garbage dump! Peter just tainted all my memories from high school!"

Clover: "Sammy, I want to have him buried as much as you do, but we still need him to solve this case!"

Peter moved in too close to his dance partner and his Adam's Apple was the dead giveaway for Dr. Strangelust to unveil his next heinous act.

"Penelope": "OOOOHHHH! Doctor! I'm glad you've taken a quick liking to me but could you at least control your carnal impulses until the third date?"

Doctor: "But Sweetie, you do realize that I'm a scientist? People in my profession do like to get a 'feel' for their partners by conducting 'tests' you know, heh, heh!"

"Penelope": "Well, if you don't mind, let me show you my feelings for you!"

("Penelope" tightly squeezes Dr. Strangelust's ass in a direct display of affection)

The Doctor separated himself from his dance partner and requested the two of them have a follow-up date when the atmosphere gets "cooled down".

Peter raced back to tell the girls the news about his newest love interest. "He copped a feel on me and asked me for a follow-up! Oh, girls, I think he likes me!"

Sammy wasn't impressed with Peter's twist of good fortune. "We're sobering up Jerry and you're playing sick games with that twisted freak? Quit clowning around and help us out!"

"Hey, I'm still doing my part! I managed to frisk the keys from his lab coat during our little dance. You don't think I'm still up to snuff on our little mission? Man, I think you need to switch to decaf!"

A mushroom cloud of frustration formed over the redhead as everyone grabbed some keys in order to get this mission over with and to get Peter out of their hair as quickly as possible.

The freeing of the prisoners would not prove to be such an easy getaway as Cell #5 set off an alarm that triggered all the escape blockages to be activated. The alarm also functioned as a hypnosis trigger for the Playboy models to display their artificially implanted kung-fu techniques.

Clover: "Peter! We need your flesh more than ever! Remember back at the high school?"

Peter: "My stomach can only handle three feet at a time! Looks like it's up to you three and any other gadgets you may have!"

Alex: "Twelve-on-four is going to catch up to us sooner or later!"

Peter and the three spies were still managing to hold their own but time was becoming a factor. Luckily, Peter had a flashback from his trip to the bar earlier in the evening. It was a long time since he had tried Texas-style chilli and now the side effects were ready to display their ugly side.

Peter: "Get ready everyone! It's going to be a hot time in the old town tonight!"

**KA-BOOM!**

Clover: "EEEEKKKK! GAS MASKS! GAS MASKS!"

The spies covered their faces in the nick of time while everyone else who remained unarmed were unable to withstand the impact of Peter's gastric explosion, even the originator.

Peter: "OOOOHHH…I knew I shouldn't have ordered seconds…is it me or do I feel like I'm ready to collapse on a drunken high…THUD!

In a perfect sense of timing, an unconscious Dr. Strangelust happened to provide a nice cushion for Peter's fall.

(30 minutes later)

As the authorities were carting off the revived doctor, he still had one last statement to make before his departure towards a lifetime of confinement. "So, you think you won, huh? You may have got me, but that uncomfortable feeling down there is a homemade atomic time bomb that's set to explode at any minute now! See for yourself!"

Peter checked out his crotch, and sure enough, it was a matter of two minutes and counting before a Bobbit-ization would occur.

"AAAAHHHH! I can't pull it off! This thing is too tight! I'll never be able to man up to my wife again!"

Everyone started frantically searching for an appropriate gadget to pry off the bomb before it was too late. Amazingly, Alex uncovered the Heavy Handed Smash-All Gloves as the only possible method to save everyone's hide. Being the sweetest natured of the three girls, Alex couldn't bring herself to deliver the low blow needed to destroy the detonator until Peter realized that he had a huge secret to confess.

"Alex, you may have been wondering just how me and Quagmire could afford to pay for all those luxuries to spruce up the penthouse all this time. Well, this ties in to why there have been several break-ins in your school without any suspects, after all there's no security cameras to capture the evidence. You see, people are willing to pay for anything on E-Bay and everything that's taken place in your bathrooms, your bedrooms, your tanning bed and your pool for the past month has been lining our pockets full of green, heh, heh, heh! Look on the bright side, though, you three have been trending on Yahoo for the past few days!"

**Cutaway**

Scene: LAMOS gathering for Friday Night Movie Night

Terence Lewis: "Tim! You haven't been following the itinerary again! This week is supposed to be your night to provide the movie!"

Boogie Gus: "Yeah man! I go to great efforts to master Orville Redenbacher; the least you could do is make the trip to Blockbuster!"

Tim Scam: "Relax! There's no need for me to go to the video store. Just wait for the doorbell to ring…

**DING DONG!**

Mailman: "Package for a Mr. Tim Scam!"

Tim Scam: (thinking to himself) "Oh Sammy, the mysteries of the pleasures of your flesh rival even those of the thoughts of taking over the world."

**End Cutaway**

**Cutaway 2**

Arnold: "Good news, guys! I've finally achieved what everyone said would be impossible for someone like me to do!"

Science Geek: "Clover agreed to go out with you?"

Science Geek #2: "You saw a naked woman!"

Arnold: "Yes! Check this out! The Beverly Hills Uncut, Uncensored "Smile! You're on SpyCam!" DVD! It's a 3-Disc Set dedicated to anything and everything 'private' you want to know about Clover and her two best friends!"

Science Geek #3: "I know how to burn copies!"

Arnold: "Can you say, sleepover on Saturday night?"

(class erupts into cheers)

**End Cutaway 2**

After hearing Peter's dirty little secret, Alex froze into a state of shock that she allowed the clock to tick down to two seconds before taking her course of action.

**SMASH! SMASH!** (to the groin)

Peter: "Oh, thank God! That bomb provided a nice safe haven!"

**SMASH! SMASH!** (to the groin)

Peter: "OWWWWW! What the hell was that for?"

Alex: "That's for making all those DVD's!"

**SMASH! SMASH!** (uppercut to the chin)

Alex: "That's for ruining our social lives!"

**SMASH! SMASH!** (left and right hooks to the face)

Alex: "And those are for being the biggest fucking overbearing, pompous, conceited, jackass we've ever had to carry around! OOOHHH! MEN!"

Clover, Sam and Jerry stood with mouths agape, unable to believe the outrage displayed by their youngest colleague. If Mount St. Helens were able to speak, the first word to come out of her mouth would be, "DAMN!"


	7. Meg's Diary!

**MEG'S DIARY**

_Dear Diary,_

_This is my first entry in six months since I've turned my life around after that traumatizing experience on the bathroom scale. There was that, and the time I tried out for amateur night at the Men's Club._

**Cutaway**

Joe: "Sorry Meg, I've just received a call from an anonymous tipster and I've got good reason to charge you with indecent exposure."

Big Daddy V (speaking through tears): "Oh, it was terrible! I may never be able to look at a strip joint in the same way again!"

**End Cutaway**

_After that, I felt I had no choice but to descend into the bulimic lifestyle to get rid of my muffin top and fit in with Connie and everyone else. Of course, nobody bothered to inform me about the negative side effects until it was almost too late. Thank goodness Brian and Chris happened to be watching A&E one night and caught that Intervention episode. I was sent off to a posh resort for two months and now I've become the proper type of health nut! I'm now at a good-looking 110 pounds and I'm not embarrassed to wear a halter-top now! _

_A strange thing happened just as I left the resort; I finally caught up with Mom for the first time since she blew the roof off in that fit of rage._

**Cutaway**

Meg: "Come on lady! This isn't a funeral procession! (honks horn) We can certainly tease the speed limit in a parking lot!

(Lois turns around)

Meg: "Oh, hi Mom! Heh, heh! For a moment there I had you confused with…"

Lois: "Sigh…I've heard worse than this. Well, ever since your father has been permanently confined to the institution, you can see that now I've become the poster girl for Victoria's Big Secret. I take it you didn't catch the all-time highest rated episode of Intervention the other week?"

Meg: "I take it I'm taking over as the mother of the house now?"

Lois: "Just remember, no liquids for Chris after 8pm!"

**End Cutaway**

_My "Everyday Workout" program has become an instant hit that even Tom Tucker back in Quahog is plugging it from the other side of the country! Some say it's because of those really tight outfits that I wear, but those girls are just jealous. Those are also the same girls who wish that they could have my hot new South American boyfriend._

**Cutaway**

Meg: "Huggy wuggy!"

Fernando: "Huggy wuggy!"

Meg: "Oh Fernando, I could sure use your help for some upcoming mid-terms! Perhaps we can play another game of Strip Study?"

Fernando: "Well, I do need to brush up on my Math skills. We can start off with some "subtraction" and hopefully some "division" at the end of the night if all goes well! Meet you at my dorm at eight! (blows kiss)"

(spies look on jealous rage)

Clover: "Alex, I could sure use those gloves right about now!"

Alex: "Sorry Clover, Mandy asked very nicely if she could use them for something very important."

(Scene: Mindy holding Quagmire in a full nelson)

Mandy (screaming at top of her lungs): "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't beat you to within an inch of your life! My hymenorrhaphy cost me $10,000 so I could restore my virginity! What do you have to say for yourself?

Quagmire: "Please don't kill me! I'm too young to die! I'll do anything to work off all the money you spent, you name it, I'll climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest ocean!"

Mandy: "Anything…hmmm?"

(Scene: Bev Hills XXX Theatre)

Quagmire: "Oh ladies! Thank you, thank you! You're going have me do promotions? Work the projectors?

Mindy: "Oh yes, you will be working here all right!"

(Mindy hands Quagmire a mop and bucket)

Quagmire: "What are those for?"

Mandy: "You are taking over janitorial duties inside the theatre and you're not leaving until everything is spotless!"

Mindy: "By the way, here's your entertainment while you work! Enjoy!"

(girls walk away cackling heinously)

**RAINBOW EXPRESS ENTERTAINMENT PRESENTS: GREEN BAY FUDGE-PACKERS!**

Coach: "The team is running short on reserves! I'm going to need you new recruits to improvise!

(actors speaking all lispy)

Actor #1: "I'll take over as quarterback!"

Actor #2: "And I'll be tight end!"

Coach: "Now that's the kind of initiative I'm talking about! Let's hit the showers!"

Actor #1: "OOOOHHH! Could our luck get any better?"

Actor #3: "Yes! The schedule has come out; the Chicago BEARS are coming to town next week!"

Quagmire: "Uhhh…girls…Peter…someone unlock the door!"

_Brian finally got his book published and has been running a successful tour in California and the Northeast. His book seems to have developed a cult following in other areas of the world._

**Cutaway**

Sheik Adnan (English translation): "What do you mean you have not bought your copy? The Islamic Republic News says it's the #1 bestseller in the past three months! This book is everything you need to know about the evil Republican agenda!"

Sheik Mohammad (English translation): "But Sheik, you do realize this author is an actual dog?"

Sheik: "Well that makes him no better than the average American, does it?"

Mohammad: "Point taken!"

**End Cutaway**

_Overall, with Mom and Dad no longer around to wreck my life, things can only get better from this point forward…except we still have no clue as to where Stewie has been._

**DING DONG!**

Chris: "I'll get it!"

(opens door)

Stewie (now 65 years old): "Well, glad to be home with my LOVING family who's SO CONCERNED about my safety and well-being! Couldn't even take the time to post a single missing child ad in the neighbourhood? You only had 65 BLOODY YEARS to show me that you gave a damn about the welfare of your little brother! Oh, bloody hell, wake me up in a few hours and have my dosage of Geritol ready by then, if that's not too difficult a task for you!"


End file.
